Monday, 8 March 2010

The England Team

Here's a start. Gordon Brown in goal. I know he only has one eye but, hey, you often get into less trouble that way. His bullying manner would get the lads lined up for free-kicks and corners pretty smartly and also intimidate opposing strikers. And his record in punching the ball well away speaks for itself.

I know he is notionally a leftie but Tony Blair has to be in the centre. He will roam to the right a lot but never go near the left-wing. And he does like pushing forward in the limelight. He was quick to make the strike against Iraq, although I admit he was substituted well before extra time in the on-going match in Afghanistan. He sends a lot of shots over the bar but puts away a fair number of chances. His goalscoring celebrations, posturing around all over the field, are also over the top - but that's the way the game is going, I'm afraid.  He gets in the team as a lone striker.

I have given a lot of thought to David Cameron's position. I know he has done a lot of attacking lately but that was because of his team's position in the league. If promoted he is going to have to defend like mad and so his best position could be defensive mid-field, but he still has a lot to prove. He could do well with some sterling defenders behind him. Will Ken Clarke come in there, do you think? As a central defender on the left side?

Ed Balls is also in the mid-field somewhere, certainly left side, but ready to fill in anywhere he thinks he will do well. I am not sure that he himself has any definite preference, as long as he is in there with the lads.

William Haigh is definitely right back. No, I don't mean 'right back behind the  goal'! He would definitely be an attacking right flanker, running up and down the wing and talking to anybody he can find to listen: the linesman or supporters in the crowd. He could talk the hind leg off a referee and would be useful complaining and arguing about whether there should have been a red card for the opposition or a corner or throw-in for his team. Always in a dignified manner. And after the match he can always drink his fifteen pints with the lads, of course.

For left-back there are several candidates, but for me Nick Clegg is left back by a long way.

Which other players would you have in the England team? Milliband?  I know I have chosen the obvious ones but what do you think? And I would really welcome your suggestions to complete a team. Write something below where it say Comments or send them directly to me at:


In the Premier League on Saturday the prize for insouciance went to Bendtner, the Arsenal striker. He missed maybe five chances near the goal with his team and manager desperate for a decider as the match went on with only a 2-1 lead over Burnley. By far the better team and playing highly watchable touch and take-it-with-you football, Arsenal did not put things to a satisfactory end until the last  minute of added-on time when Arshavin (on late as a sub and also missed a couple of good chances) made it 3-1.

The camera went to Bendtner's face after two of his misses and found him chewing gum. Subsitituted late, he came off slouching and chewing with a kind-of-defiant attitude which said "What did I do wrong?"
Nothing, it seemed as his colleagues on the bench and his manager gave him a pat on the hand or arm. He was still chewing. One of the 21st century's aristocracy (taking over from bankers and estate agents), this young man certainly looked the part. I'll bet that inside, though, he was burning up. And where does he get fresh gum?

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